Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
