So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
