I can't breathe out the right side of my face
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
How naked do you want me to be?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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