my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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