If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
