i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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