I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
