you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
