she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
