kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
