Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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