Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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