maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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