My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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