Fine. I'll sleep in my office
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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