It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Ladies don't puke and tell
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
