i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
