The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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