I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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