i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
