the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
