tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
