Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
