dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
