the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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