Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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