i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
