If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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