I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
