if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
