I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
