There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
