my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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