everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
