I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
