Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
