Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
