I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
