I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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