She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
