Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Randomize
