I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I want to be your penis for a week.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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