i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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