I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
