if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
