I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The power of my boobs compel you
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
