Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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