a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
