Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
