I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
